Sometimes I think that I am the one that holds us back. I think that I am the problem. And I don’t even know why I can’t be honest with you. I know the feelings are there. It’s obvious. But you think I don’t know what I want, and sometimes I am afraid that you may be right. But how will we ever know what can be between us if I don’t take the leap. I know I am hot and cold, but I think you could be the one to help me. I can’t explain what I mean. But somewhere I just know that it can work. For some reason I feel like you have the patience and understanding to help me be unafraid of whatever it is that I am scared of. I never knew someone like you, and it may seem like I don’t know what I want but I do know. There is some pull that you have on me, and I know you think that it’s just the idea of us that I like more than the reality of it, and I know what happened in the past. But that was the past, this is now, and right now you are pulling on my heart. I know it seems confusing, and I don’t mean to appear so hot and cold, it’s just that I have never been able to let my guard down, but for you I want to try. You just have to help me, you just have to show me how. I know you feel it. So where do we go from here?
We all have a choice. We all have that choice to live, to open our eyes every morning and step into the world. And with this choice, comes the possibility to make a mess, to love, to lose, and dream. Really, as cliche as this sounds, you are free to do what you wish. I think what scares most people is the uncertainty of all these things; but you know what, I think the uncertainty is what makes our existence so special. We aren’t supposed to know, we are just supposed to move forward – and have faith that we will arrive at our destination.
I guess what I am asking is that you don’t hold your breath through life. You’ll be amazed at how much easier and peaceful life is when you just let it happen, when you can accept the messy, crazy moments. A lot of times these unpredictable moments and chance encounters leave us with a clearer vision of what our life means. I think a lot of us become so distracted by things that don’t really matter, and we forget to focus on what’s important – ourselves. We need to be okay with the fact that every tiny detail cannot be controlled, and they shouldn’t have to be. Honestly, it takes a lot more than most think to break us down.
So I was just thinking the other day – you know about life and the people who walk in and out of it. It’s funny how you think you’ll be friends with someone forever, without really understanding what “forever” means. I think we like to kid ourselves – not in a bad way, more subconsciously kid ourselves into saying and believing in “forever.” It makes sense though, because who wants to think about the possibility of someone meaningful not being there the next day?
But what also goes along with people walking out, are those the pass within our reach as well. No one can leave without first walking in, and maybe this is why I am sitting here typing away. I think we forget about those moments where people can unexpectedly walk in – even if just for a moment.
I think in the midst of life’s confusing moments, conversation calms the storm. Earlier this week I had the opportunity to talk with someone who gave me perspective – a way to see my life through a new lens. First of all, I am by no means unhappy with where I am at in life, but I guess you could say I am more wandering with no particular end point. So we kind of had an informational meeting about life…about decisions that need to be made and about the possibilities that are before me. It’s refreshing how a conversation can change how you feel, especially with a stranger. I don’t really know what it is about talking to someone new – maybe it’s because they literally have no idea who you are and they have no preconceived idea of what type of individual you may be – but I always seem to come away feeling better.
So…basically the whole notion of walking in and out…of people slipping by and wandering in unexpectedly. I guess all I can say is this: no matter your opinion on their importance, both are inevitable and both teach you how to deal with the beautiful strangeness of life.
Listen to your music loud. Read as many books as you can and travel to as many far off places imaginable. Live. Experience. Enjoy life. Love every moment of it. Drive in the fast lane every once in a while. Get lost. Find yourself. Take a journey somewhere. Anywhere will do. Just go. Promise yourself that you will have no regrets, and make every second mean something. Love deeply and passionately. Be loved in return deeply and passionately. Be confident in your life, you’ll know if you are. Don’t lie to yourself or to others. Trust your gut feeling on almost everything, except always eat that last bite of dessert. Go to concerts with your best friends. Stay out late and dance until you think your feet will fall off. Trust me they won’t so keep dancing. Dedicate your life to happiness. Now go and live.